My dear Mr Snicket,
Well I have to say, I really do feel very privileged. Last week another cryptic and rather tiresome press release seeped its way into my email inbox… accidentally on purpose? Who knows. Wouldn’t be surprised with the shady way you work and the questionable circles you move in, sir. If you had your way you’d have us believe the moon is made of cheese and playing cards can walk and look like Queen Elizabeth I. But I have learned from this electronic scripture that you’ve actually been bothered to write some new stories. Quite why anyone would wish to read them I am at a loss, and I for one could not be less underwhelmed about their impending release later this already-miserable year.
The trouble is though Mr Snicket, if you didn’t want us book-industry types to know about these things, of which you state quite clearly you didn’t, then you really should not have sent the afore-mentioned press release to us, or at the very least taken the time to learn how the BCC field works in one’s email. I’m actually aghast and frankly quite insulted that you think I even have the time to read any correspondence from you.
Consequently of this I feel under complete merciless obligation to share with the public of our cruel world the details of your new series of books that are due for release this year. Shall I tell them all the title of the new series? Don’t want me to? Well hard cheese. Dear readers it gives me great unenthusiastic pleasure to inform you Mr Snicket has entitled his latest work All the Wrong Questions, in which he actually thinks you care about his upbringing and childhood, which is the subject of these new stories. Do you care? Do you wish to read about the adolescent years of one Lemony Snicket? And why should you even bother taking time out of your short lives to read them? Mr Snicket I think you will agree with me there are far better things for the good populace to do than to read than your silly ramblings.
For those of you whom do give a tinker’s toot about Mr Snicket and his uninteresting life, you will be pleased to know that the books are due for release this October and will consist of four titles, the first of which is called Who Could That Be at This Hour?
I really don’t know, Mr Snicket. Possibly someone to arrest you for crimes against literature?
I don’t want to read anything from you. You will find the comments box at the bottom of this post where you can write your opinions. Please don’t try and contact me about this blog. You can reach me on firstname.lastname@example.org and the door marked ‘spam’ is always open to you.
With all due insubordination,
Ms R Deeprose.